Rollercoaster

This ride just keeps going downhill girls, and it's only picking up speed!

So I guess you could say that this weekend bit. Except that it really didn't! Friday started off great, well I was sick. But besides the nausea the stuffiness and the coughing I had a great time. I took my little sister to see The Incredibles. Which was a pretty good movie. We had dinner with our mom and then at the end of the night I dropped her off at our great grandmother's house.

The next day I was off to my cousins fiance house. She asked me to be a bridesmaid at the wedding, which made me ecstatically happy, and she was having a luncheon with all the girls. On the days itinerary? Well, lunch of course, bridal shopping, cheesecake, and then off to a church function which proved to be highly entertaining. I was the photographer of the day. My digital camera finally arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT! Will have to attach a pic of my cousins fiance, aka Diana.

Sunday was to be my moving day. Turned out to be, please tell Terra all the reasons that she is a complete loser day. Here is a brief list of all the phrases/words that were used to describe my character: Selfish, opinionated, bitter, intolerant of other people, rarely help others and if I do only at my own convenience, should not have children, incapable of having a relationship, immature, and last but not least, doomed to be alone due to lack of self love. When I pointed out that this speech had made me feel like a complete POS, the response I recieved was somewhere along the lines of, "I just call them like I see them".

Here's what I want to know. Where in the HELL do people get off? You want to know the truth, which I have to say that I am loathe to admit. This made me cry. How can someone do that? Make someone completely cry and not feel a tad bit of remorse? How can anyone tell someone that they are selfish and bitter without somewhat incriminating their own character?

For hours I thought of all the people that I had failed. The promises I had not kept, the appointments that I had forgot. I don't do community work, I forget to go to church, last Christmas I didn't have enough money to pull a card off of the Salvation Army tree in the mall. I always do that, I stand around the tree for hours and pick the cards with descriptions of a child that make me want to take them home and wrap them up in bed, but last year I just walked by.

Being a parent has always been a VERY big deal to me. It is a commitment that I have always felt that if I can not give my best, my absolute 100% best, then I can not in good conscience be a parent. He made me feel like driving right down to the clinic and tying my tubes. That's it, no babies for me. No cribs, no terrible two's, no first day of school, no first time they wrecked the car fight, they're a teenager and now they know everything, no college interviews, giving them away, grandchildren. No nothing, because I'm not good enough. Oh and by the way I'm going to die alone too.

Why am I going to die alone? Because no one is good enough for me, I am too critical and I over analyze everything. And the men I do pick screw me over completely. Not because I'm too nice and I need to learn boundaries, but because deep down I hate myself. So therefore I've never EVER been in love because to truly be in love I need to love myself first, and it is obvious that I don't love myself. In fact that very small list of people that I hate for weakness in character and moral flaws, I am exactly like them.

You know, it's one thing to have your own doubts about wether or not you will ever find "The One", ever hear a child call you "mommy", it's quite another to have someone tell you that you will never get married, never find true love and also, fyi, you need to get your head out of your ass before you even contemplate having children.

By the way, all of this comes from my older cousin. He told me this after staying at my house for three days while arguing with his girlfriend. While he stayed at my house he broke my direct TV, a light fixture, and only ate what was in my refrigerator or what I bought him from a restaurant. He didn't fix anything he broke, he brought his dog over without asking, he borrowed my car and my cell phone, smoked all my cigarettes and then proceeded to tell me that I am selfish.

It took me 24 hours to remember that I am not a bad person. Oh I have faults, we all do, but that's the beauty of individuality. My flaws are consistent, and they are also me. Love me or leave me, but please, please, don't stay and tell me why you hate me.

I am 25 and I am just learning about self love. It means not smiling while being berated, it means that I can say no and not feel bad, it means that happiness is not a sin. Yes, I am the priority in my life, and I refuse to feel bad about it. I have never ever been my own priority before and I'll be damned if you try to take that away from me. Where in the HELL do people get off?

I AM NOT A BAD PERSON! I have never ever listed all of a persons supposed flaws to them while they sat there and cried. In a million years I couldn't do that to even my worst enemy. Why? Because everyone is different, who am I to judge? You are who you are. The end.

Well, not the end obviously because I am still talking.

My direct TV is broken, and I really wanted to watch Charmed on Sunday. Plus a new Scrubs episode is playing on Tuesday, and OH MY GOSH, Arrested Development! Argh. Plus the light fixture at the apartment I'm moving out of is broken now. Great. Since I fed him and me for the last three days don't think that I can afford to fix it. Stupid jerk cousins.

By the way, I would like to try to be all political and well informed, but my tv's not working... and I used my newspaper to pack. That's my excuse at any rate. Please tune in later for more well formed avoidances.