Independence

A large part of growing up is independence. I'm not talking just financial independence either, but emotional independence, intellectual independence, and spiritual independence.

For the last two years I have lived by myself, well with two cats... and yes I do talk to them a LITTLE too much. For the past year I have been single as well. Not that I haven't gone out occasionally, I just haven't found anyone that clicked. In either case I can say with a modicum of confidence, that I have gained a fair share of independence.

I go to church by myself.

That was hard at first I have to admit. Going to church is such a family affair, and to go by myself the first few times felt very lonely, but none of my friends attend church. So what was I to do?

I sleep in the middle of the bed now.

This was one of my biggest hurdles. It used to be a chore just to fall asleep without the sound of him sleeping by my side. "Him" shall remain nameless. Names do nothing to name the problem.

I go grocery shopping alone.

And I'm happy! I have... ahem... occasionally been known to dance in deserted aisles. Yes, I am usually having way tooooo much fun.

But I have to admit, independence can be tiring.

When I leave town I have to scramble to find a cat sitter. No one is ever home to sign for packages. When I'm sick and can't move from bed I end up not eating all day. If my car breaks down I have to call five people before I can find a ride to wherever I need to go to pick up whatever car someone has agreed to let me borrow. I have actually contemplated going to the movies alone.

On the upside, when I fall down the stairs no one is home to see it.

Of course no one is there to drive me to the ER either.

Anyway, back to my original point: independence.

Here's the thing about independence. It's a struggle to obtain. It took months for me to work up the nerve to go to church alone, months to sleep in the middle of the bed, and even longer to go to the grocery store without having run out of food the week before. I used to call up my mom and make her go grocery shopping with me, which I think may have annoyed her.

So here I am, happy as a lark, thinking that I have achieved a high level of independence. Wrong.

I have a friend, which none of my other friends like. Why don't they like him? Well because we used to see each other. We went dancing, we took drives to the beach, went to a car show, and yes I even met his friends and family. And he was perfect.

Ok. Maybe not perfect, because no one is perfect. What I really meant to say was, perfect for me... except. Except he was missing one thing. Heart. And maybe he was missing heart because he didn't have heart for me. I don't know. I just know that there's something about us that isn't quite right, and it seems to be a mutual feeling. Long story short, we now see each other as strictly friends.

Which absolutely no one understands. So now I find myself trying to validate this friendship ALL of the time, which results in me talking about him too much so now everyone has drawn the conclusion that the reason I'm not dating is because I'm holding on to hope that we will eventually work out. They forget I was single for eight months before I even met him. They forget that I have always been this picky, this anti-dating. They forget that I never date anyone who I feel doesn't have heart. They forget, and they draw conclusions from an outsiders point of view.

From the inside nothing's the same, trust me.

The grass is greener over here. Last year I made a promise to myself that I would no longer date people that I could not be friends with. If I couldn't be friends with them how in the world was I expecting to spend hours upon hours with them? This is why I talked to this man for such a long time, why I talk to him still. This is why I am friends with him. He is a testament to the fact that I am on the right track. We have never had an argument, and we always have a great time together. I wish I had done this years ago.

So why do I feel like I have to explain myself to everyone? This is my decision, and I know in my heart that I made the right choice.

Now it's time to tell everyone to back off.

All the women who are independent... throw your hands up at me