In answer to the much asked question: Why am I single?

The answer is simple. 99 percent of men are fucking losers and simply put, not good enough for me. I mean, look at me. I’m fabulous.

The other 1 percent are married, half of which are losers as well.

If you have found, and are married to, that .5 percent of men then I congratulate you. Bitch.

To illustrate my point let me provide some examples:

There was the guy who had a girlfriend. But hey, he was willing to trade up for me! Hooray! Freak.

Then there was the guy who wanted to jump off a cliff and kill himself. Seriously. Shit it’s just Starbucks. Calm the fuck down.

Oh wait, am I forgetting to tell you about the rich kid who almost killed himself doing drugs and lost his wife in the process? He was a year into sobriety by the time I met him and only dating Hispanic and/or Asian women because they were so much “warmer” than Caucasian women. Retard. I asked him if he was looking for a mother and he told me to grow up. It might be fair to say we were equally unimpressed. Me with his inability to wipe his own ass, him with my possession of something called a backbone.

I did like A. He was intelligent, educated, sarcastic… but also depressed as hell. He kept quoting Ayn Rand and searching for the meaning of life. First of all, I took ANCIENT philosophy, second, cheer up man!

X was just plain stupid. Stupid as in, “I am so smart. S – M – R – T … I mean…”. I told him all I wanted in life was to get married and have babies. LOTS OF THEM! He said, “maybe that’s what I want too”. Not quite the response I had envisioned. I screamed and ran away like the commitment phobe I am.

So I have come to the inevitable conclusion. Like renegade T-Cells, men’s penises are eating their brain.

If you are a man, good luck with that.