“Worry, but know that worrying is as effective as chewing bubble-gum to solve an algebra problem.”

Confession Time

I am such a control freak. It’s horrible. It’s not so much that I want everyone to do what I say, although that would be nice, mostly it’s that I hate when things are unclear/undecided. I analyze things to death, always have my life mapped out five years in advance, and I can guarantee you that if I have one plan I have at least ten back up plans.

The thing is that life is not always plannable and sometimes there is nothing to do but wait. I’m not good at waiting, I pace, pull out my hair, climb walls and in general, burn bridges. I hate waiting. It’s a huge character flaw.

Last year I read this quote, “Learn to practice the art of the open hand”. I’ve been trying to do that and let me tell you, it’s hard. I’ve never believed in luck, just hard work and determination, so when I want something I close up my fists as tight as I can. It’s a hard perfectionist way to live, or so I’ve learned.

I have so many things up in the air right now and everything, absolutely everything is taking weird bizarre twists, causing my body to tense and my hands to clench. Last night I couldn’t sit still, I paced the hallways, turned on the computer, turned on the TV, took a shower, read a book, got up and sat down at least a million times. This morning I am still struggling with the act of inactivity, the waiting game.

I know what I have to do, I have to sit down, breathe out and hand my life over to fate, the gods, the cosmos (I blame my Native American roots for my pagan tendencies). Sounds easy enough except that I don’t even trust the dry cleaners with my clothes! If I freak out over a pantsuit how easy do you think it is to admit that I am not always the captain of my own ship? Argh