I'm BACK!

Did u miss me?

No?

Fuckers.

I've been on vacation at a new blog... Chronicles of Madness.

Check it out if you have been wondering what I was up to all this time, mischief, mayhem, blood and violence! You know, typical Terra week.

PS

Does anyone know how to combine these two blogs? Or have a preference for one of the templates? I dunno... one too many blogs.

Dear Olivia

This is for you... I's done gone and graduated misself... Tag. You're it.

Gone For A While

(what I see when everyone's talking)

I love this blog, because I talk too much and it gives me a place to vent, a screen that can't say, "Shut the fuck up already". Dear screen, you never roll your eyes impatiently, or tell me, "Get to the point already". You know I don't have a point. You know I enjoy the journey more than the destination, and during my rants you never interrupt with the phrase, "You're drunk aren't you?". You have a spell check button and a delete button. Things life should come equipped with.

But anyway... just dying for a subject change:

Be back soon.

One more thing... Ty's my new favorite blogger. If I laugh one more time at work I'm getting fired.

Catch me on his comments, in the dark alley behind my work... STALKER, or... I dunno. You have a phone, maybe you have my number. I have a yahoo ID, maybe you have messenger. But in any case...

I'm out.

Last Night I Dreamt

That something died and just when I was about to call the whole thing a loss I realized that something beautiful had survived... almost undetected. But I needed you to nurture it, you who I had given up on.

I dreamt that I went to the salon and asked the lady to put on acrylic nails... and just as she started to apply them I ran out, realizing that my imperfect nails were beautiful, and what was not was trying to cover them up. I ran out apologizing, I'm sorry, I realize that I'm good enough after all.

I dreamt that I was a vixen in black wearing thigh high stockings seducing someone who was really seducing me.

And I dreamt that you apologized and I didn't know what to say, because for once, I actually believed you.

X-Rated

I'm hardly ever X-Rated... I'm so PG-13 I just want to throw up Britney Spears for gods sake.

Anyway.

(Author mentally shakes head... internal voice over, "shake it off, shake it off")

There's this cutie at my work. Every time I see him I can't help but stare... and I'm positive that he's starting to notice. But I can't stop it. Everytime I see him I start imagining doing that slow crawl up the bed underneath the covers, you know the one with crucial skin contact, and then trapping his wrists near the headboard while I figure out exactly what he doesn't know that I can now teach him... hmm.

He makes me feel like a fox near a soft furry rabbit. Vicious.

So today I am in the parking lot and it starts pouring and out of the corner of my eye I see him running for cover. Wet. I stood in the rain for a while after that. Distracted. Wet.

Now my hair is fuzzy. Stupid fuckin hormones. Oh well, it was a nice interlude in an otherwise shitty day that I hope to end by blacking out.

(author now having fantasies about alcohol... hmmm, vodka bottle slowly walks towards me, "Hey... how about a threesome? You me and Redbull." Sexy)

................

"C'mon baby. You know you want me."

Today I Feel Like...

Drinking at work!

... oh who am I kidding? I'm sloshed.

If All My Friends Were Jumping Off a Bridge...

Would I jump too?

Probably.

But jumping bridges is pretty fun! My dad used to do it all the time. But then again one of his friends got hurt pretty bad when he jumped in feet first and his legs jack knifed causing his groin muscle to get pulled so he had to wear an A shaped brace between his legs. Everyone made fun of him and occasionally he would just tip over... face down. So to make him feel better my dad and his friends took him on a road trip that involved lots of beer and throwing the empty bottles out the back window at passing traffic. When they finally got to their destination some girls made out with Broken Groin Guy because they felt bad for him. So really he kinda came up. They also got drunk and attended a tent revival... getting up in the middle of it to start screaming, "He has been cured! It's a miracle!".

My dad was cool. This is why I've never jumped off a bridge or even been asked to... I'm not cool enough!

What was my point? Oh yeah:

So L said they found me through the "next blog" button. I thought, hey I should try that too. Guess what I found out? The majority of blogs out there suck ass. Seriously. Every one I saw I kept thinking, "BORING". I am so glad that I have the link list I do. You guys are rockstars. But then...

I hit the back button and began scrutinizing my own blog. Hmm. Here's what I concluded... It is very possible that I suck too. In which case you people are only reading me (lol that almost sounded dirty) out of pity. HURRAY for PITY!

HIP HIP HURRAY!

Ok, jokes aside, stay the hell away from the "next blog" button. I know, I know your eyes are now glued to it... your hand is hovering over the mouse... but for the love of all things holy, avoid the temptation!

I'm A Rambling Man (Gal)

Today's Alcoholic Survival Tip


Next time you are too drunk to drive,
Walk to the nearest pizza shop

Place an order, When they go to
deliver it to your house, catch a ride
home with them.

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Things I forgot to tell Roy Hobbs:

One night RH made the cryptic comment to me, “You’d be surprised who reads these blogs… you have to be careful.”

Me, in all my drunkenness, then replied, “Oh yeah let me tell you this story…” Then I didn’t. I think I smoked a cigarette instead and concentrated on standing still. So here it is,

One day I posted a commentary on the idiocy that is all things Bush (the president and not the sexual choice thank you very much). Shortly after I checked my statcounter for a list of all my recent hits. I was a little freaked out when I saw an IP address from the pentagon. That’s right… the mother fucking pentagon! I was like, “CRAP”. However I figured I was safe cuz, well number one we don’t live in Russia, and number two, it’s not like I went around outlining any assassination plans. I mean, I figure I don’t like the guy but hey I can just wait around four years until he’s gone. I DO have something called patience.

Plus I kind of learned my lesson after yelling “BOMB” on a plane once. Sometimes things that I think are funny, apparently are not.

So word to the wise… big brother is watching. Word.

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Last night I watched the movie, “Girl With A Pearl Earring”, and it sucked. I fucking hated it. I kept waiting for a goddamn car chase or some random pointless violence, but other than a kid getting whipped (which was off camera so I didn’t even get to see her cry) there was none. NONE. But really, what I absolutely hated about this movie, was the lack of closure. I hate all stories like that. So guys, if your stupid girlie partner ever says, “Hey let’s watch that movie about some stupid girl with an earring” just say no. It’s too late for me… save yourself!

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I’m tired. I graduated on Saturday and thanks to many emergencies and errands I woke up Friday morning at around 7 am and went to sleep Sunday morning at 12:30 am. Why did I do this? Because drugs are good… I mean BAD. Drugs are bad. I think. Anyway, I didn’t need drugs, I was graduating at long last, I was psyched, I was beaming, I was beyond ecstatic. I was proud. Sunday morning I got a call, pictures and a recap have been requested and so I promise, soon that will be done.

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Why is carbonated water so carbonated? It took me over an hour to open my water bottle today, and yesterday I was covered with the stupid stuff. Carbonated Water how dare you mock me? If it wasn’t for your sweet goodness I would abandon thee. DAMN YOU!

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Shout out to all fellow bloggers. L I think you linked to me first, and for that I thank you much... I would link back but you live in Estonia and I can't read a word of your site. I know, I've tried. CL and Michelle were close on your heels, their sites were in English. With the help of a dictionary and some friendly translators I think I might actually get the gist of what they mean. Today Ian added me! Or maybe yesterday... I'm not sure. The point is you LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME! Ha ha... people usually like me when they don't have to interact with me in person. So I guess I'm not too surprised.

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Random flashback:

One day feeling like the Super Hero that I am, I went outside to wield some of my mighty power. Holding a water can I stood above a daisy effectively blocking out all sun. "Mwah ha ha" went my maniacal laugh. "I am your GOD! Bow to me! I control the light and water. Without me you will surely die!" heh heh heh.

Then it started raining.

Drat.

(bonus points if you know what that's from)

Outrage!

Today I got an email stating that blogger.com will no longer be a "free" site. That's right. Soon fellow bloggers we will have to pay for their bitchiness (although I've been paying several years for mine).

According to this email Blogger.com is informing us "ahead" of time in order to prepare us for this necessary transition. There will however be a trial membership where our entire blog will be kept published free for two weeks and after that all "free" blogs have a maximum post list of FIVE blogs! That's it! Five.

Protest!