Skater Punks

Today I Wish I Was A Cat

So I could lie curled up under the bed, napping and scratching any ankles passing innocently by.

Or maybe....

I wish I was a dog so I could be curled up in the closet munching happily on Nine West pumps and Coach heels. Yum, 400 dollars worth of leather. Jimmy Choo on this.

Why Have I Never Noticed Before...

that Ed Burns is sooooooooooooo friggin hot? Damn!



Must. Stop. Having. Impure. Thoughts.

Tommy Boy!

In my version of "Cats" everyone dies...

Inner Child

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

Eye For An Eye

So yesterday Tracie had a good laugh at my expense. Ha Ha, Terra got caught in her underwear. Well. We are now even.

Yesterday we went to Target to do some grocery shopping. Yeah yeah I know, kinda ghetto. But actually they have really really good prices. So when we got home Tracie dropped me off and went to get a pedicure. I was in my room pretending to be cleaning when I heard her truck pull up. Then I hear the clickety clack of her high heels as she walks up the stairs to the door. Meanwhile I am creeping down our hallway.

Creek… the door opened and Tracie walks down the first hallway to the kitchen, I am waiting around the corner. As soon as I saw her I jumped out and scream “BOO!”. She screamed for like ten seconds. It was great. She almost fell backwards down the living room steps too. It was awesome. We both grabbed our chests, her from screaming and me from laughing. I love having a roomate.

Then she tells me that she has to go through her truck looking for some paperwork and come down whenever to get my Target bags. Alright. So of course I lag.

Eventually I get my shoes on and walk down the stairs. Halfway down I remember a joke that I want to tell Tracie, so I start running (this is how I am when I am excited, immature). When I round the corner I see her sitting in the back of the Bronco looking through stuff. I run up to the truck and throw myself up against the glass like Jim Carrey in Pet Detective.

I swear to god I thought she saw me coming.

When my neighbor pulls into the parking lot she’s still screaming and I’m rolling on the ground laughing. It was the first time he didn’t say hi to me.

I wonder why?

Random Thought For The Day

I've never actually bitch slapped someone. I should put that down on my list of things to do.

I'm crossing off "make love to a drunk penguin". Dane's got that one covered... thank god.

I hate penguins when they're drunk.

=)

Three's Company

Last night after Tracie went to bed I tacked a comic to her door so that she would see it first thing in the morning. It said:

"I've put you on a strict need to know basis. Don't go in the basement. Oh, and don't believe anything you hear on the news for the next six months."

This morning I'm trying to leave before she see's the note but while I'm combing my hair I hear her door open and she starts busting up laughing. When I walk in the hall I scream.

Her boyfriend was right behind her and I'm in my underwear.

Now who's on a strict need to know basis?

I'm Too Sexy For This Blog

I just took a shower.

I turned on the water and made sure it was nice and hot and then proceeded to put a hot oil treatment in my hair.

My hair is quite long, waist lenghth almost, and extremely thick. Standing under the hot stream my hair got quite silky, it feels wonderful. Then once I had rinsed out the treatment I applied my Herbal Essences shampoo. The shower filled with the scent of rainforest flowers and just like in the commercial I started to swing my long glorious hair back and forth:

"Yes, yes, (damn I'm sexy) YES!"

On the other side of the wall I could sense my neighbor craning to hear the commotion.

"Yes, yes, YES.... NO NO NO NO!"

I got soap in my eyes.

I may be permanently blind.

I Am So Damn Lazy

Do you know what I do with the blogs that I read but am too lazy to link to?

I click on one of my links, then click on one of their links and THEN sometimes I click on ANOTHER link just to get to some of the blogs I read. That's right. I'm too lazy to even add them to my favorites list. LAZEEE.

Bah.

Scroll down for the pics from my photo shoot this weekend (I was the photographer not the model people). Don't forget to comment!

=)

Just Shoot Me Part Deux

Did I spell that right? Ahh... who cares. Those well informed will remember that I had my first photo shoot this weekend. Here are the results.




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So what do you think?

Seriously?

I know alot of you read and never comment, but I need comments, I need praise, I need love and affection. Or even honest criticism. I am NEEDY! Ha ha. Not kidding. So comment. I command thee.

Anyway this is what I did this weekend, besides getting lost in san jose ten miles from my house (I need GPS). The very best part is that I (ME ME ME) took ALL of the photos! AND (yes there's an AND), my client loved me! He told me I need business cards for all of the referrals I'm going to be getting! He wants to work with me regularly and refer me to his clients! PLUS, I posed all of the models. He stayed with me for a little bit and then let me take free reign. I love my new gig.

10 Things I Hate Right Now

1. I hate the fact that I have had migraines off and on for THREE FUCKING DAYS NOW. Aww. Anger makes my head throb.

2. I hate the fact that the whole left side of my fucking body also hurts! Shit. Tylenol’s stock is skyrocketing.

3. I hate the fact that my doctor said I can’t take advil anymore cuz it’s screwing up my damn stomach.

4. I hate the fact that fucking blogger comments are so damn slow. Screw you blogger! I’ll show you! I just won’t write any comments! So if you don’t have haloscan and I haven’t commented for a while, now you know why.

5. I hate the fact that I felt like crap last night and so for the millionth time in a row did nothing for St. Patty’s day. That’s okay though, cuz that morning I overslept for work so I wanted to stay home so it didn’t happen again.

6. I hate the fact that I still overslept this morning.

7. I hate the fact that I wrote 10 things. Fuck it… I quit.

Canadian Joke

In response to Dane's jokes about Native Americans:


Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend he’s ready to play.

"OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?"

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"


=)

100 Things You Probably Had No Interest In Knowing About Me

But this is my blog and so you are therefore my captive prisoner. MWAH HA HA! BTW, that's accompanied by an evil grin folks.

1. I once slammed on the brakes in my pick up truck and made my then boyfriend almost hit the windshield because he’d been yelling at me for forty minutes straight. Moral of the story: Don’t yell at me while I’m driving unless you want to peel your face off a sheet of glass… or you could just wear your seatbelt.

2. If we are hanging out and you point out something you want in a shop window I will remember and buy it for your birthday six months later when you have almost forgotten all about it.

3. I used to street race in downtown San Jose and have been in two police chases and a couple more car chases than that. I was the driver for only about half of them.

4. I used to want to be a mechanic.

5. I hate cottage cheese but have to eat it sometimes when I go on a diet. 70 percent of the time it makes me throw up. Yuck.

6. I can drink a lot. I mean a lot.

7. I won a drinking contest with a male friend of mine that weighs 260.

8. I never drank socially and so was always the designated driver at every party until I was 23. Now I’m hardly ever the designated driver, which seems fair for all the years I had to put up with my drunk ass friends drooling in my backseat while proclaiming to love everyone within five yards. Now I’m the drunk ass! HA! By the way… I might love you… if I’ve had a fifth of vodka.

9. I say I might not ever get married but I know that I will make an excellent wife.

10. I say that I might not ever want children but really I want at least three.

11. I don’t talk about the things I want the most in life because I don’t want to get hurt if I never get them.

12. When I really love someone I don’t express it because I am overcome by my emotions, which freaks me out so I suggest watching sports instead. Nice save.

13. My favorite sport to play is basketball.

14. I never joined the high school basketball team because all the girls were girly ass bitches who couldn’t play to save their lives, which weren’t worth that much anyway.

15. I am the first woman in my family to make it to this age without having been pregnant, married or engaged.

16. All of my friends’ parents love me. They view me as a good influence. Which tells you how bad my friends are.

17. Many men have described me as “feisty” within five minutes of meeting me.

18. The word “feisty” annoys me. Stupid men.

19. I once had Tracie pretend to be me and break up with someone over the phone. Very mature huh?

20. I told an old boss of mine that I would help him write his resignation letter… he wasn’t quitting.

21. I’ve been written up for sexual harassment. Seriously.

22. But the manager had to tear it up and apologize after a lawyer was called and the HR manager was flown in from out of state. Don’t mess with a kid just because they’re young… they may have parents whose best friends are lawyers. (incidentally I was written up for REPORTING sexual harassment, I was not the initiator or offending party)

23. I have nine brothers and sisters… figure that one out!

24. I hate liars. Literally hate them.

25. I have never met a celebrity.

26. I have never been to Vegas.

27. I never experimented with drugs.

28. I was never asked out on a date in High School.

29. When I was little I used to hide in the pantry trying to get Ms. Butterworth to talk.

30. When I was little my favorite show was “Dukes of Hazzard”.

31. My big joke in high school was that Canada didn’t really exist… it was just a government conspiracy. I was later proved wrong.

32. I sat next to a girl who was kidnapped in elementary. They never found her.

33. I’ve been suspended more than once for fighting.

34. I almost failed kindergarten because I didn’t know the alphabet.

35. In the fourth grade I was tested and placed in the 99th percentile and was at 10th grade reading level. Boy my mom made sure I caught up!

36. I want to be a policeman just so I can beat people up.

37. The police in Fremont used to know me by name because of the friends I had.

38. My mom gave up trying to make me wear dresses in Jr. High.

39. When I was very little I wanted to be an author. I thought I would write the great American novel. What a pipe dream!

40. My dreams sometimes come true.

41. Most major events in my life I dreamt about before they happened.

42. My mom was a better drag racer than I ever was. She raced for pinks and won.

43. My mom has always been a better brawler than I am.

44. We are both very cultured and polite and most people would be stunned to know half of the crazy things we have done.

45. My mom used to ride a chopper around Hayward when she was my age.

46. Now she’s very afraid when I say I’m buying a motorcycle.

47. When my sister was six months old I told her the story of Winnie the Pooh’s honey addiction. He began selling everything he owned and breaking into houses for a just a bit of the sweet stuff. Eventually Rabbit and Christopher Robin staged an intervention where Pooh had to be restrained. My mom was kinda pissed at me for that one.

48. When my sister was two she said the cow says Moo, the dog says bark, the mom says I love you, the dad says I love you, and Terra says… HAHA! (she is one funny kid)

49. I taught my sister to laugh and point when she saw someone fall. You should’ve seen my dad’s face the first time he saw her do it. She was 2…. I was 18.

50. When my sister was three I told her that the Easter tradition was to bury the youngest family member in the dirt so that the Easter bunny could dig them up Sunday morning and they would rise just like Jesus Christ. Since we didn’t have a backyard she would have to be buried in the nearby park and so I then began teaching her our address so that she could tell the Easter Bunny where she lived. By then she knew me very well and just laughed saying, “Terra you’re never serious”.

51. I once told a date that I had a fear of trains because I fell off one when I was little. I was joking but he believed me and when he found out the truth later he accused me of being a liar. I accused him of stupidity and no sense of humor. A crime punishable by death.

52. I hate crying.

53. If you make me cry I will probably stab you to get even.

54. At one of my college courses ten students banded together to try to convince me to become a lawyer. One of the students was a police officer and said that he would take me to court to convince me. It didn’t work.

55. Three men have told me that I am intimidating in the past month. WTF?

56. I hate wearing make up.

57. I love singing karaoke.

58. I hate belonging to groups. I don’t know why though. This is why I never joined the girl scouts, the drama club, school committees or even the cheerleading squad. Hate organized groups.

59. A group of my male friends call me “the Maneater”… even though I’m not.

60. I have been fired once.

61. I deserved it.

62. I have fired someone else before.

63. She deserved it.

64. One of my favorite movies of all time is “The Jerk”.

65. When I was little I had a cat I named Goliath after going to a bible study group. Apparently I associated with evil Goliath more than good David. My mom should have been really worried about me.

66. I was supremely anti social when I was little and my mom used to MAKE me be friends with kids my age… otherwise I would just hang out with my grandpa helping him work on cars all day.

67. A lot of people say that I look like Salma Hayek.

68. A lot of people need to get their eyesight checked.

69. Coming home from an opera I once went directly to the street races wearing a floor length evening dress and heels and then promptly spanked two mustangs and a falcon. Take that!

70. I’ve given myself alcohol poisoning before. Never drink a bottle of vodka straight.

71. I have never ever sworn at my mother.

72. I come off harder than I actually am.

73. Scary movies scare me and I can’t watch them at night.

74. If you call me crying and I am on a date, at work or out with friends I will drop everything. Absolutely everything and leave without an explanation to rush to your side.

75. If I have two dollars and you have none I will always give you at least half.

76. If you look better than I do in my 80-dollar jacket, or simply don’t have one in the middle of winter, I will give it to you without a second thought or regret.

77. When I was little my favorite song was, “We’re Going Riding on the Freeway of Love in a Pink Cadillac”.

78. I want a twenty-pound cat so I can teach it to play frisbee and freak people out on the beach.

79. My mom forced me to eat asparagus one time and I threw up all over my plate. That was the end of that.

80. I don’t date anymore. I flirt but I don’t date. Not for the last seven months anyway.

81. I like dogs… but I like them better when they go home. Dogs smell. And they drool. I love them in short spurts spaced well apart.

82. I’ve only had one speeding ticket. Also I’ve never been arrested. Surprise surprise.

83. I want to come back in my next life as a snake at the zoo. I plan on being so good that eventually they’ll start taking me to schools. This is where I plan to snap and cause a panicked riot. If you’re around (assuming I die young and come back fairly quickly) you should plan on stealing a TV that day.

84. I have never ever cheated on a boyfriend.

85. I have never been the psycho ex.

86. I have never been drunk on the job, although as soon as I get a job with a union that rule’s going right out the window.

87. I only drink socially. Hard to believe huh?

88. I am actually one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Even harder to believe huh?

89. I used to date one of my best friends. Even I find that weird sometimes. Now he’s like my brother, which makes it even grosser.

90. I am only close with my male cousins… the female cousins annoy me for some reasons.

91. Almost all of the scars I have come from riding my bike when I was young. Not very coordinated.

92. I have a scar from being hit with an ax.

93. I am afraid of spiders… because they are out to get me.

94. I have a theory that men’s penises are eating their brains. Meaning the T-Cells from having testosterone, or whatever, have identified their brain cells as an enemy host. I don’t know what’s wrong with women, but give me some time and I’ll figure it out.

95. I hate every book ever written by Anne Tyler. SHE SUCKS!

96. My favorite author is Dean Koontz.

97. If you are a girl, and you read, don’t die before reading, “Moonlight on the Avenue of Faith”.

98. If you are a boy, and you read, don’t die before reading, “A Million Little Pieces”.

99. If you are a true romantic don’t die before reading, “The Time Traveler’s Wife”.

100. I eat cookie dough raw. It’s my favorite form of cookie, and in contrast to what my mother always swore, it has never caused me to be hospitalized. Although it has caused me to be fat. Can I sue for that?

Just Shoot Me

So I have a photo shoot on the 20th and another on the 21st, I need to get a mockup of the website I'm building for a construction company done and I'm looking to change jobs/careers. I feel busy and slightly overwhelmed but mostly scared. I wish J would call me up and insult me, it always seems to put the fire back in me, but he has been suprisingly supportive as of late.



Slightly worn out colorless girl seeks jerk off man with too much attitude to motivate her to annihilation mode. Once desired level of orniness has been acheived services will be unneeded for at least a month. This is a part-time position on an as-needed basis. Bring motorcycle. Expect to have it stolen.

Jokey Jokey Jokey

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

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A: Wanna go bike riding?

If I Were A Rich Man

If I had any money to my name, any at all, I would quit right now.

Right now I'm cataloguing my possessions; car, couches, dishes, everything. If I sold it all today I think it would only get me through a month.

It almost seems worth it.

I have to go home or else I only have two choices, quit or sit here and cry.


**I just realized that I had a third choice all along!

Tear the offending party's head off, stick it on a pole in front of the office and declare this office as MINE! What's that saying? Hindsight is 20/20

Amazingly Fun Ways To Scare Men At Clubs

... or anywhere really!

Let's pretend you are out and many men (or at least one) are talking to you. However you are either taken, not interested, completely disgusted, or simply bored and sadistic (guess which one I am). Here are several interesting ways to watch them scatter! Ask/say any of the following questions/comments:

1. So do you have a picture of your mom?

2. Have you found Jesus yet? (if for some reason this doesn't scare them away follow up with question number 3)

3. I'm so glad to have found someone with similar spiritual beliefs! You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find someone my age who is waiting for marriage! (there is no follow up to this question because everyone in their right mind should at this point run away)

4. (to be said when you are dancing sexy) Can your momma drop it like this?

5. (right after they have kissed you) Wow! Did your mom teach you to kiss?!

6. I'd love to have breakfast with you but I left my ointment at home.

7. (to be said right after you use your finger nails to make lazy 8's up and down their arms) My dad taught me how to do that... (use sexy voice)

8. Wow I can't believe how much fashion has changed in the last 3 years! Thank goodness I got an early release!

9. You're really handsome. You're sister must be super sexy.

and

10. Wow! You are so hot! You look just like my brother!

**Just remember DO NOT lead up to these comments/questions at all! The key to achieving the correct reaction is to slip them into completely normal conversations. Guys, this by the way is all useable for you as well.

PS

Don't worry that you'll miss out on a great person. After you see a persons delayed reaction to the shocking comment you just made it will all be worth it. Trust me.

What I Wouldn't Give For a Bat

And some damn lighter fluid.

The Fuglerelees were at it again last night! Which is really kind of pissing me off because they supposedly sold their house. On one hand I wish they would hurry up and move the fuck out. I was so mad last night that I almost walked upstairs to ask them what kind of moronic assholes start stomping around their fucking condo at one in the GODDAMN MORNING! Instead I sat and did some deep breathing and counted to ten. Then I got up and started pounding on the wall and screaming, "GO TO FUCKING SLEEP YOU RETARDS!". Tracie was laughing her ass off... she's the one who suggested the bat. I suggested a brick then realized I wasn't strong enough to throw it at their window. The brick would just fall back down and hit me in the head.

Stupid gravity.

Here's the thing though. Rumor has it that the new condo owner is Tracie's Ex-Boyfriend.

This guy will do anything to annoy anyone! So when he found out the upstairs condo was for sale he mentioned to Tracie that he might buy it and install his new girlfriend upstairs. She flipped out and he ran right over to make a bid.

His new girlfriend is a model, a gymnist, and none too sober. Great. She's going to be vacuuming the fucking house and/or excercising at three am, but you watch. I will get even. I'm going to start leaving twinkies outside their front door.

BTW: Who buys a house to ANNOY someone?

West Side Blog

I just realized that we should start blog gangs.

It's been a long time since I've been in a turf war.

Back By Popular Demand (Newly Edited!!)

(sort of. Is three votes a popular demand? Anyway it's back! For your edification! For your amusement! And also if you were a participant that night, for your memory! You know. In case you blacked out.)

Friday was crazy.

Seven of my friends called me, apparently it was national "let’s talk to Terra" day, and I ended up hanging out/meeting up with twelve friends/acquaintances. I think I’m forgetting a few people though… once the number gets that high though who can really blame me?

Here’s a brief list of my night:

Hung out with Suzy and had, Suzy just got dumped, drinks. Poor girl. We may have done a tiny bit of male bashing and "Yay we're single!" proclamations.

Made plans to meet up with CL who picked me up at my house. Too late I realized that CL might be a potential stalker...

Hung out at the Brit.

Drank some beer.

Met weird guy who claimed to juggle daggers in order to impress women, whom he then apparently videotaped. Nice.

Drank some more beer.

Dagger Guy entertained us with stories of blood, sluts and mayhem. Oh, and daggers.

Met DJ and his group for the first time.

Drank some more beer.

Smoked a cigarette.

Called DJ on smoking, I thought you quit buddy?

Drank some more beer.

Tried to scare DJ with my Compton act.

Had to calm DJ down from the rafters… sorry!

Had to tell CL that she was not allowed to table dance, no matter how many daggers that guy juggled!

Had to tell DJ that he wasn’t allowed to table dance either.

Smacked DJ for threatening me with a Jack and Coke.

Let DJ’s brother table dance while being videotaped. Hey, I don’t know that guy.

Was told by Dagger Guy that he had heard all slutty women wear toe rings. He dropped the word asinine into the convo and I threw insipid back at him. I won points, he didn't, although he did earn a laugh.

I wear a toe ring. How the F did he notice that?

Walked inside to dance.

Did small strip tease for Cindy Lou… who then pointed it out to everyone! Traitor, oh and also a cheap tipper by the way.

Danced with DJ.

CL danced too! You go girl!

Talked DJ’s brother out of leaving the dance floor.

He talked me into leaving the dance floor by tempting me with patron… and beer. Hmm. He might be my new best friend.

DJ’s brother licked me. Hmm. Will have to rethink new best friend status. However he was drunk, and he did buy me patron. So he was forgiven, after I carefully explained my germ phobia to him. He promised to never lick me again. YAY.

Suddenly realizing that being my best friend included lots of fun and laughter DJ knocked his brother off of the bar stool and bought me patron too!

CL just laughed because she knows she has seniority. Plus she could totally kick DJ’s ass.

Admitting defeat DJ’s brother wandered away to play table hockey and ogle nearby girls.

We all said goodbye in the parking lot. Poor DJ had red eyes and had to be to work in just a few hours, meanwhile his brother was swaying methodically from side to side. It was funny.

CL drove me to my usual hangout where my ride was waiting and that is where we said goodbye. Realized CL is too cool to be a potential stalker. She is potential stalkee.

At the Lounge I said hi to R, Andy, Dolores, Tracie, Geoff, M, S, J and Big Mike. Everyone was headed to breakfast, Andy handed me the keys to his car without a second thought. I proceeded to drive drunkenly around town, unfortunately there were no small animals playing in the streets, or their front laws, or the parks. A Lexus is an all terrain vehicle right?

Big M hit on me.... ok ok. I may have started it.

R intervened.

Tracie tried to stop R and failed. No matter, Big M strikes me, and everyone else, as the king of sluts.

Tracie fed me ice cubes across the table. Does she have a toe ring too? S took a picture. Great I'm probably on the internet now.

Andy let me drive his car home and I repaid him by making him laugh as he was exiting the vehicle so he hit his head on the roof of the car!!!!!!!!!! I’M SOOO SORRY!

I fell asleep on Tracie’s floor with Andy playing the guitar. After Tracie walked him out she woke me up and said, "Get the Fu@# out of my room". I may be paraphrasing a bit.

And that was my night. Ok, Ok, I might have smoked more cigarettes then I’m admitting to. What are you? The cancer police? Next thing I know you’ll be telling me to stop eating paint chips! As if that could possibly do any damage!

I have to say though, meeting people through blogger has been pretty cool. I thought it would be awkward meeting DJ and CL in person, but actually it felt like meeting up with old friends. Roy wasn’t able to hang out, since he was partying it up in Vegas (bastard) but he is tons of fun too. So, if you’re ever passing through San Jose, look us up. We’ll probably be the drunks on the corner swaying side to side singing, "We Like The Moon". But only at night.

We do have lives you know!

Invitation

Tracie's working tomorrow night... which means the opportunity for free booze has once again reared it's beautiful glorious head. This also means that I must, yes must, karaoke.

Does anyone want to come with?

Yes, I am too lazy to text this to... well you know who you are. So give me a ring, text or email if you wanna come.

Oh, I guess this is also an open invitation to all potential stalkers. That's cool. I've been feeling kind of unloved

:)

Blah

I can't comment on Michelles blog, Peeves and Botherations, it's really irritating me. There's a mass of paperwork around me right now that I really need to sort and to tell you the truth, I have no inclination to actually do it. Blah. But I will have to anyway. :(

Pout pout pout.

Plus my blog is apparently f*d up (hello, this IS my blog). Who knows why. I haven't messed with the scripting at all or changed anything recently soooo. Actually I think one of my referring sites is too long and it's messing up the size of my sidebar. CRAP! So in that case only time will fix it.

In other news I took a walk on lunch. Five minutes into it I had an epiphany. Here's what I learned people... it's very important... it will probably change your life forever... NEVER EVER buy shoes from burlington! They suck.

My feet hurt.

BTW: Are there any votes to bring back the I am a tease/alcoholic/drunk driver post that went missing this week? Only vote for it if it made you laugh.

HA HA YOU SO FUNNY

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver’s side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where’s my Rolex?!"

My Cover Letter

Possible future careers for moi:

Executive Assistant (I already am an assistant to two VP’s so why not?)
Flame thrower
Marketing Assistant
Alcoholic (already a part-timer so at least I have my foot in the door for a FT position)
Magazine Assistant
Town whore (depending on the town I hear it’s good money… I’m aiming for Los Gatos)
Writer (for anything other than a technical company)
Buyer (Olivia’s suggestion)
Assistant Buyer
Village idiot (cousin’s suggestion)
Dog Trainer (I would train them to bight their owners… HA HA)

*It’s hard to get your foot in the door here in the bay area. Olivia says that all of the assistant buyer positions in Ohio say “will train”. All the ones down here say 2-4 years experience plus degree. FU%#. I think I’m looking at a possible relocation, Olivia says she has an extra room.

I’d really miss my family… I’m such a people person. Anyone want to relocate with me? Possibly a little sister, blond, green eyes, around 8. Don’t think I can leave home without her.

Joke for the Day

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!” The lion answers, “That fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

Posted With Caution

Lately it seems as if perfectionism has become a dirty word in our society. It is associated with stress, heart attacks, feelings of superiority, and let’s face it. Bitches. Be they men or women society frowns upon perfectionism. We have to look no further than Martha Stewart to see what kind of hatred we hold for people who are the epitome of perfection, drive, and success.

The reason I bring up this topic is as complicated as the layers involved. On one level, and today’s triggering level, I want to leave my job. This becomes a complicated issue when we look at the fact that on a completely superficial level my job is fantastic. I have a non-demanding boss, the benefits are excellent, it is essentially a part-time job which means it is very undemanding and the pay is more than enough. Yet I am not happy. This is not what I want to be doing and because of that I feel as if I put forth minimal effort. I hate myself for this and yet I cannot bring myself to feel motivated. I’m a right brain person in a left brain job.

Yet whenever I bring this up to my family/friends they chide me for being flaky and “a dreamer”. This is a dream job that some of them would kill for and it seems to me that my not wanting this job is somehow an insult to them. My aunt says that I need to be realistic and underneath her words what I am really hearing is, “grow up”. It has become a majority opinion that “nothing is good enough” for me. I have been hearing this my whole life and for a very long time I tried to conform to their standards, their ideals, and all I ever got was unhappiness. You see the majority opinion formed when I left a man that everyone in my family loved. When they came down on me they came down on me hard and I felt as if they were telling me, “settle. Take all your hopes all your ideals and just forget them” it was if they pulled out a tiny box and told me to get in. I just couldn’t take it anymore. So now I want to leave this job and I can see their jaws clenching and when they respond they hint at the fact that I am saying that what I want is more than what they have so really what I am doing is looking down on them. My cousin told me, “Terra you can’t have it both ways. You either have to be a hippy red neck bum or an intellectual workaholic. You need to grow the hell up”. When I responded, “Why? Who the hell says I have to fit in some custom made box?” he told me that if I didn’t decide I would never be happy, never be successful and never find love. “Terra, you’re looking for something that just doesn’t exist.” So my question is, am I?

John Gray, author of Women are From Mars, Women are From Venus, writes about a man that he met at one of his seminars who complained that he could never find the right woman. He described the ideal woman’s attributes and John responded by saying that he was being unrealistic and looking for perfectionism that no woman could possibly live up to. Reading this passage I have to agree. The man was insane. Further, I recently heard someone comment that the movie Say Anything had ruined romance for all women while the movie When Harry Met Sally had ruined romance for all men. I didn’t know that that many men loved When Harry Met Sally. Curious. But the point is that these movies portray an ideal of love that simply doesn’t exist and people will spend their lives looking for this experience rather than being happy with what they have. I should be happy with what I have. I probably should have married my last boyfriend, after all how many people are really going to put up with a hippy/intellectual/red neck that is anal and messy all at the same time?

And yet, I have to disagree. I don’t think that the problem is perfectionism so much as it is that people have lowered their standards. In Southern California there is a Mexican mayor who says that when he went to college he had to fight his family tooth and nail. Do you remember, Real Women Have Curves? This is apparently typical of Mexican immigrant families. This man, who is now mayor, said that to go to college instead of going to work alongside his family was an insult. It was akin to saying, you’re life isn’t good enough for me. I am better than you. When my cousin tells me that I have to fit in a box what he is really saying is, you are outside of my understanding. You want more and hope for more than I have ever expected and that pisses me off. Well guess what, the idea of conformity pisses me off and the idea that I have to lower my standards in order to be accepted is more than outrageous it is sad.

I am not a particularly intelligent person nor am I especially driven and yet when I was in the fourth grade I tested in the 99th percentile. I was at tenth grade reading level and sixth grade math level. Leagues beyond my classmates. Yet when I take an IQ test I routinely score between 132-142. I am only above average intelligence. My friends are hair dressers, mechanics, body shop workers, stay at home mothers and what might be classified as bums. They live at home with their parents. All of them are incredibly fun and yet all of them will say, oh books and school are not for me. It’s as if because they fit into one box they couldn’t imagine ever fitting into another. I routinely hear my friends say, you wouldn’t believe it, that guy, that mechanic, he is really really smart. Oh, so just because he’s a mechanic means he shouldn’t know how to read? The problem isn’t that we are nation of dreamers, the problem is that we are a nation of underachievers.

You see statistically speaking I should have been somewhere in the middle of that bell curve and nowhere near the 99th percentile. But I grew up in a low income area where children were being raised to be, “good enough”. Those kids were just as intelligent as I was; the difference was that their parents weren’t hard asses like my mother. On the same note, how in the world is Lloyd, from Say Anything, a perfectionist view of men? Ok, now I love Lloyd as much as the next female, but in all aspects he was a loser. He was a kid with no prospects, no aspirations and no career. All he had on his side was that he was a good guy. No, a great guy. He loved that valedictorian with all his heart. Their love wasn’t a perfect love, she struggled with feeling that she was too good for him, they fought, they broke up, he stood in the middle of the street holding up a boombox for a girl who pretended not to hear him. So if you say that this is unrealistic, unattainable does anyone realize that what they are saying is, “accept the bastard on the couch who forgets your birthday, drinks half the paycheck and refuses to watch the kids”. Those kids didn’t live in a mansion, their families weren’t perfect, how is that unattainable? Don’t tell people to dream lower, tell them to be Lloyd, tell them to work harder, tell them to step up to the plate and accept responsibility for their fucking lives.

We are a nation spitting out programs like, American Idol where our instant gratification needs and get rich quick mentalities are satiated on drivel. California’s school test scores are amongst the lowest in the nation and our nation isn’t even doing very well. Across the world we are known as fat and lazy. We take down people like Martha Stewart and call her a mean nasty bitch. Umm, I’m sorry, how do you think she got where she is today? Why do we take her talents and abilities and instead of appreciating them try to use them to smash her down? A person that driven is never going to have the mentality of Suzie Homemaker. Does that mean she is better than Suzie? No, it just means that she is different. It’s the nature of the game people. Some of this goes back to the nature vs. nurture issue. Are my fun friends uneducated because that is really their type of personality or is it because that is what the world expects of them? Would they still be underachievers if the bar hadn’t been set so low? To quote Jeffrey Eugenides from, Middlesex, “Nature gave me a brain but life gave me a mind”.

College admission numbers are dropping. Less and less men are signing up for higher education while more and more women are obtaining degrees. I find this trend disturbing and I wonder why we are imposing a glass ceiling on ourselves? I find it scary to think that there is a permeating mentality that not only should you not have to work very hard in life but that being an underachiever is more than acceptable, it’s expected.

Don't get me wrong, never for a moment do I look down on blue collar workers. That is hard work and anyone who has a desk job and thinks that they are better than the man outside digging a ditch is kidding themselves. They are the backbone of our society and just as necessary as Donald Trump. I have respect and admiration for the man/woman who works two jobs and goes to work half dead in order to put food on the table. I salute all hard workers, all parent’s who are raising children with the idea that if you work hard enough anything is possible, those who are making sure their kids have more opportunities than they had, and each and every man who has stood in the middle of the street with a boombox. There are not enough of you.

Mi Vida Loca

I was at my aunts tonight for her BDay party. I bought her a spanish CD that I thought she would like and picked up a copy for my mom. When I was telling her about it though she started to really bug me.

You see, my mom has never translated for me. Never. It makes me think she doesn't really know how to speak spanish, like this whole time it's just been one big lie. And when she does translate to me it's always wrong. It pisses me off because I can't figure out if she's lying or just too damn lazy to translate. Mentriosa.

When my aunts translate though it's always correct, and I hear them speaking to her in spanish. When we go places my mother holds whole conversations without pause and no one ever looks at her like she's crazy or just speaking in tongues so what the hell is her problem?

Then again my mother also doesn't tell me stories about growing up, or translate my Great Grandmother's conversations for me either. As a result I have no real idea about our history and all the spanish I know I learned from a textbook. It ticks me off that I have always been in contact with my Grandmother and I am the cousin that knows the least about her.

Typical afternoon, my mom and Nana (grandmother) talk for four hours. At the end of the afternoon I ask my mom what they talked about, my mother says, "oh that old lady is crazy. She just wants me to dye her hair."

What?

That took four hours?

So tonight I am telling her about the CD and she acts like she doesn't know anything I'm talking about. When I go to explain it to my aunt she knows all of the myths that the songs are about. WTF?

Lila Downs

La Martiniana

A New Low

This afternoon while waiting for the elevator I asked a woman if she was going down.

Thank God she said no.

Dance Puppet Dance

I want to be a book reviewer.

I would be an awesome reviewer… completely professional, distinguished, widely published, authors would beg me for a review.

And then, after 10 or so years of these reviews, out of the clear blue sky I would just TRASH a book. I imagine my review would read something like this:

Upon completion of Diane Simmons Memory Lane only one thought came to mind. This book SUCKED. It was utter and complete garbage! I was so disgusted by the idea that anyone would even publish such self-serving drivel that I threw up in my mouth a little. For the last two days I’ve been using the pages of this book to WIPE MY ASS! Simmons should be ashamed of herself. Did this girl ride the short yellow bus to school? Is Adams Publishing house an equal opportunity publisher? What is this country coming to when we can say, “so little people read any longer that we just publish crap and no one notices”? All I have to say is, go back to your day job, if you’re even qualified for that!

Can you imagine being that author? They’d probably jump off a bridge! The public would be enraged, “oh look that poor author killed herself over Terra T’s review”. That’s right. Bow down before me PUPPETS!

God I wish I had power, I would so use it for evil.

Terra's Daily Libra Forecast

Quickie: Your strength is your willingness to say out loud what everybody else is thinking.
Overview: You're not quite ready to accept or deliver an apology -- which isn't at all like you -- so why fake it? If it's not absolutely genuine, you won't respect yourself in the morning. And isn't that what's most important?


I have my daily forecast on my yahoo page, right under my mail preview and above my daily cartoon. Why is there no news section showing on my page? Oh yeah, cuz I don’t care about current affairs, just Dilbert thank you very much.

So why do I bring my horrorscope up? Well because oddly enough it is eerily accurate nine times out of ten. For instance:

For some reason I have my quickie horrorscope texted to my cell phone on the weekends… it usually arrives around nine am. One Friday night I was on a very rare “I hate all men because they are evil bastards out to get me” night… I may have recently been dumped, hit on by a suicidal college student, and a 43-year-old man with a girlfriend who none the less thought, “we had a connection”. Long story short I headed over to the bar where Tracie served me four Red Deaths (don’t ask me what the hell they are either), L bought me a beer and Random Drunk Guy bought me two kamikazes. Yikes I was drunk! Fortunately I tend to metabolize liquor pretty well which meant that I was coherent but none too coordinated. Anyway that night I run into W. W’s been chasing me but he’s also 20 and about as smart as a bag of rocks. In my liquored up state I decided to seduce him, and buy me breakfast, and pay in general for all mankind. Oh boy. Luckily as the night progresses I start sobering up before I can do anything that I might regret later. That’s the good news. The bad news is we were already at my apartment. How do you tell a guy, “hey I was drunk earlier… yeah. And now I’m not… get out”? It was 6 in the morning, I am suddenly unforgivably sober and as I start to tune into what he’s saying I suddenly realized he’s talking about introducing me to his family. WTF?

HELL NO!!!

Frantically I began to try to recall my side of the conversation. Oh no, it all started coming back to me in this horrible mad rush. I talked about my live-in ex and how he was married with a baby a year after moving out of our apartment. I told him how I had been in love with my first boyfriend and I have never felt that way again. I told him about the guy who had recently dumped me, how I had gotten along with him better than anyone in a long time, and still it didn’t work. I told him I was afraid that I would never work out with anyone. I talked about my job and how it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing with my life. I said too much about how hard people sometimes try until all you have left is an overwhelming feeling of being tired with an aftertaste of bitterness. Good lord I was drunk, it’s a miracle I didn’t get up on a podium and start screaming, “Why ME?!!!”. Welcome to my pity party folks, feel free to exit at any time. When I was done he talked about his cousin that was recently killed, what he wanted to do with his life, his cheating ex-girlfriend yada yada yada. Crap.

It took me thirty minutes to navigate him down the stairs and another twenty to get him out of my living room. He kept talking about the plans we had apparently made, dinner movies etc. I kept telling him, “Hey I’m tired and still kind of drunk. Umm, I’m probably going to sleep all day but I’ll talk to you later”. After he leaves I’m sitting on my couch trying to remember if I am now engaged when suddenly my phone beeps with a text:

Don’t worry Libra. You haven’t made any promises that you can’t break.

I start laughing, call up Tracie (she wasn’t my roomie back then) and tell her, “Alcohol bad!”.

So today I read my horrorscope, but I don’t laugh. I’m fighting with Bonnie, a good friend of mine for seven years now. I’m not apologizing and I’m not accepting her apology. It has me wondering if we will ever be friends again, and I am thinking… no.

I Do Not Have ADD

But I do have a knife! Now what was I going to write about again?

hmmm.

It was shiny.... Shiny happy people? crap. I forget.

Anyway, go play with Roy Hobbs cursor, and NO there is no hidden meaning there. It just keeps distracting me. GO. CLICK. You'll see why.

My Mom Rocks!

Yes I am a mommy's girl, and you know what I have to say to that?

Nothing.

She buys me stuff.... I love her. I mean the lady did give birth to me, which everyone should be thankful for. Plus she's pretty cool (when she's not making me clean something) and tons of fun (when she's not reminding me that she was in labor for 26 whole hours) and only THE BEST MOTHER ON THE PLANET (because she didn't abandon me at the local church like she often threatened to do)! Ok, ok. I'll stop now.