No Means NO

Here's an idea that I stole from another blog. Publishing funny correspondence. This just took place yesterday between me and a friend. He's up for a job that he sounds pretty interested in and we got on the subject of what would happen if I ever worked for him. He said that he would have at least a dozen harassments suits against him if we even worked in the same office, let alone if I reported to him (not sexual harassment suits though... just to clarify). We ended the conversation with him yelling at me, "You're FIRED". A little later I sent him an ad for a motorcycle. I want to buy one this winter and he's my motorcycle expert. The following is what happened from a simple query email. Anything that doesn't make sense is probably an inside joke... I apologize because we have tons of those. His responses are all bolded.

Terra wrote:

Hey, Bonnie sent me this ad. I thought it looked cool

1981 Yamaha 650 Maxim - $400
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-50363436@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-11-27, 3:54PM PST

1981 Yamaha 650 Maxim, 12,500 miles. Good condition. Needs rear tire and
gas cap.
click below for photo

http://nobledesigns.com/photos/yamaha.jpg

Yeah, you should give the guy a call. Looks like it could be a good deal for only $400. But don't you think you should be saving your money concidering you just got FIRED?!


oh... like you did with the mustang? What's your dad's email address?

besides, I quit. No one wants a boss as stupid as you


Don't worry about what I do with my mustang, go ahead and tell my Dad. I'll fire him too. Working for me was the best thing to happen to you. No one else would give a chance to someone as lazy and incompetant as you! You should be thankfull I even hired you!!!


go ahead fire your dad! I hope he kicks you out you lousy ingrate!
The best thing I ever did was quit! You were lucky to have me work for you because no one else in their right mind would EVER put up with your constant beratement! Look I quit and you're STILL harassing me! Besides I am way overqualified to be working for you. Get your own damn coffee!

You know, I thought better of you. You're so lazy, you couldn't even make my coffee right! Put on your helmit and get a clue! And I'm not harrasing you. Your "NO" means "YES" just like all the others that got fired before you. You know you like it too!!!

Oh yeah, I like it sooooooo much that I'm about to call my lawyer. Perhaps you don't know the definition of "harassment" but I am sure he will set you straight in no time at all. As for your coffee not being made right... I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to add rat poison to it? Come to think of it arsenic is tasteless and a much preferred alternative... my mistake.

As to your helmet comment... sorry. The only one who owns a helmet between the two of us is YOU. Coincidence? I think not.

I love you too Terra. I know what NO means. But you're gonna have to wait till I'm off work. I still got a couple more people to fire. Then I could give you what you want. But you want to bring someone else into the picture? A lawyer? I don't know about that. I haven't tried that one yet. I trust your judgment so I guess we could give it a try. See you tonight?

oh and let me guess. Yes means yes too.

You sicko. It's no wonder all of the women at the bus stops hate you.

See you tonight? Have you forgotten about the restraining order?

I thought the restraining order was just to spice things up a bit, you know, make it a little risky. You didn't really mean that did you? Look, if you really want your job back, then you should just do as I told you in our last one on one meeting in the copyroom.

Oh you thought that was to "spice things up" huh? So I guess moving and not telling you where I live is another way of spicing things up too?

As for wanting my job back, if I've told you once I've told you a million times, I WILL NOT wear a CHEERLEADING outfit to work.

But you looked so cute in that out fit last time you wore it! As for not telling me where you live, thought it was to just play hide and seek cause you can't hide from me... I'm always there. Wanna play Boss and Secretary later? Come on, It'll be like old times. Like when you still worked here.

you know, I should've known something was wrong with you when you asked me what my grandma looked like at the interview.

Ok, let's play boss and secretary. You harass me and I get you fired.


If I recall, that's not how it went... You do a lousey job, you get Fired!
I want to relive the whole experience. It brought me such great pleasure!

NO. We'll play the same game with new rules. You tell me I'm a dumbass and I tell your manager. You say I'm ugly and need to wear a paper bag over my head, I tell human resources. You tell me I need to buy a comb, I get a lawyer. At which point you get fired.

The old rules of, you insult me and I throw dirt in your coffee while you plot to fire me, are over and done with. Unless you want to play a new game of disgruntled employee?

Ok, lets play. You know I love playing with you!

fine. I'll need to pick up a shotgun. I'll wear camouflage. You wear a suit and tie. Oh also try to run around and scream alot.

how does that spice things up for you?


Not funny. I thought we had something special. guess I was wrong. You hurt
me Terra. I guess the new intern will have to play with me.

how is that not special? We're role playing, there's some risk involved, I'm wearing an outfit, it's loud and exciting with the potential to get messy

Fine. If you would like me to put in even more effort into our games I'll buy all blanks and one real bullet. Sheesh

p.s.
the new intern's not as fun as me.

True, she may not be as fun, but she sure is cuter!
Aww, I'm sorry. You are special! Ok, let's play. Still friends? But theres one rule... Chuck gets to play too. We'll both dress the same, run around like crazed lunitics, but one of us has your cat Tommy in their jacket. Let's get real risky. Game on.

if you're running around screaming with a cat in your jacket you're going to get hurt stupid

Who's to say that I would be the one with a cat in the jacket. I'm not that stupid. Chuck's gonna be my human shield.

the minute I fire a blank Tommy's going to scratch the hell out of chuck, which means he'll be lying on the ground bleeding and screaming in pain and therefore useless to you as a decoy, human shield or diversion. I think you just want to see chuck with a cat in his jacket.


You know what? I gotta go so we'll finish this later. Love you too.

How Terra Got Her Fate Back

To this day I find pieces of you everywhere. When I move, when I unearth old boxes in search of linens, yearbooks. There you are, in the cracks, in the corners. I throw you away, and yet you still linger. For so long I thought that you broke me, which annoyed me to no end, because for you to have broken me in some ways meant that you made me. How could someone as awful and devastating as you have made me? My mind recoils at the idea of it. The insanity of it.

I am moving. I have a roommate now, and so finally I am no longer alone. She is the same age as me, just as funny, not nearly as reflective. It’s a good thing, a good balance for me. I believe God leads you in mysterious ways to your future. However horrible our experience was, it in some ways led me here. And here, I have to admit is a pretty fabulous place.

I empty the linen closet and find a receipt lying on the shelf. It is in your handwriting. Some kind of work order. How did it get here? You never even lived in this house with me. Did it travel with me? Like some kind of recessive gene will you always be here, at any moment ready to strike, to bring me down with the force of your cancer? For a second I pause, and then I throw it away. I don’t open the folded piece of paper like I used to. I don’t study the writing trying to discern your mood that day, or your mood on any given day. I just throw it away.

I used to spend hours, weeks, months, trying to figure out where we went wrong. By ‘we’ I mean ‘me’. I am nothing if not self involved.

I mean there was the drinking, the fighting, the doors you broke, the time I wasn’t allowed to speak all day because the sound of my voice infuriated you, the first time you pushed me, the first time you left a bruise, and well, that’s just the tip of the ice berg. Thank God you never actually hit me. Thank God for the little things, they are the ones that matter the most.

What was I doing? What were we doing? Was I even there? Was that even me?

Things like that make you feel like the stupidest person on the planet, and I’ll tell you why. It’s not just your fault, it’s my fault too. My fault for staying.

I wish I had had the courage and the strength to just grab my purse and the cats and leave. Forget my clothes, forget my furniture, all of it. Just leave everything I own behind. They are only possessions in the end. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know that I was worth more than my pride, more than my monthly payment on the furniture we owned. I didn’t know that sometimes leaving with nothing means you leave with everything.

And then Lisa died. Little cousin, little sister. 19 for one week and she passed away. Just like that, gone in a blink of the eye. I never imagined that there would ever be a world without her in it. I was just about to leave you when she passed away and suddenly I didn’t have the will power to get out of bed, let alone pack and leave. So I stayed. I wasn’t even in love with you and I stayed.

I stayed, I stayed, I stayed.

I stayed until the night I slept in the bathroom. Cold tile against my skin, terrified you would break the bathroom door too, I thought, "What in the Hell?" I didn’t leave, but I told you it was over. You slept on the couch until you found a new place to wreak your special brand of havoc. You are married to her now and I hear you have a daughter. Before the year was over you had two new titles, husband, father. I wonder if you are a better person with them, but most days I don’t really care.

I spent a year fixing every little part of me that you broke. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot, and when that didn’t work I screamed at Heaven. I told God that I believed in His presence, but as far as I was concerned we were no longer speaking. I disowned God. And then I cried some more. I lost faith in the goodness of humanity, in the kindness of life in general, but mostly I lost faith in me.

How could I be so dumb?

Let me tell you a secret. I never loved you.

Never.

That’s the absolute worst part. The whole entire time I was with you it felt wrong. I felt as if my life was somewhere out there but I had taken a wrong turn somehow. I felt lost. Even when we were happy there was something that wasn’t right.

When we broke up I had the feeling of running on an escalator. I was propelled ahead. This is not a literary allusion. This is real. This is how I actually felt.

And now I am healed. I talk to God again. In fact He’s the one who got me through this. I thank Him for Lisa now, instead of railing against her death. I still cry when I pray, but it’s an awed cry, a happy cry. It is a cry for thanks giving. Only one thing has bothered me, and that is the thought that none of this would’ve been possible without you. Which means you were my fate and the idea that you were my fate annoys me.

Not enough to kick walls or track you down and key your truck, but still.

And if you WERE my fate, then how am I to ever trust my instinct again?

You see, my instinct has always been fairly accurate. I know good friends almost the moment I meet them. I have "this is fate!" feelings about friends, jobs, apartments, and yes even cars. In general my instinct is never wrong. My gut instinct about you was, "NO".

Because of you I am here in San Jose. Where I met my new group of friends, where I found the job which led me to college program I am now enrolled in, which led me to the new job I have now. The college program I am in is fabulous, this job is fabulous, and my new friends are fabulous too. Also I am closer to God and closer to getting my act together than I have ever been. Is that all because of you? You who bent my arm back one day because I dared to ask you to look at me while we talked?

I guess it’s not infuriating so much as it is sad. Did I really need all that to get here?

Here’s what I realized yesterday, almost two years after our break up. No.

Lisa dying would’ve eventually brought me closer to God, even without you. I would’ve re-entered school on my own accord due to the fact that I was unhappy with my halfway finished education. It might’ve been a different program though, I will grant that. As for my new friends, I met them through a group of people that I’ve known for seven years, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. In fact, everything good in my life today has nothing to do with you.

Upon reflection I realize that there isn’t one relationship that I acquired during our time together that is still in existence today.

I used to think that God had it in for me. Then I thought that perhaps he just didn’t care about me one way or another. Then I thought that he had broken me on purpose to teach me humility, to cure me of that sin known as pride. Now I know better.

My instinct was always right. You were never my fate, you were a bad dream that is over now. In an abstract way, I hope that you are a good father and an even better husband. I hope that it really was just me that you hated and not life or women in general.

My life feels like it’s coasting right now, not too fast not to slow. I am exactly where I am meant to be. I never have the feeling of being lost anymore and I gain back a little more of myself every day.

Just yesterday I got back my fate.

The Opposite Of Fate

Why is it that what seems like fate never really is? You meet someone, and they're fabulous. Unbelievable f*n fabulous and all of your cells scream, "Oh my gosh! Where have you been?"

Of course this feeling never lasts.

Or it does but in some wierd angst-like mode where you never truly know where you stand.

Why is it always the people/situations that you pass idly by, taking no notice whatsoever of, that come to play major roles in our lives?

I'd like to say that it has always been this way, but honestly it used to be different for me. When I was younger I used to get that, oh my gosh feeling of fate, all the time. And it was always right. It was right about friends, jobs, cars, and yes even about my very first boyfriend (we dated 3 years).

But lately... my gut instinct is never right. I feel as if my compass has been torn off, my equilibrium turned upside down. I pad the corners of walls and tables in an effort to lessen my injuries, but mostly I sit around asking stupid redundant questions.

Why?

Is it fate if it doesn't last?

Independence

A large part of growing up is independence. I'm not talking just financial independence either, but emotional independence, intellectual independence, and spiritual independence.

For the last two years I have lived by myself, well with two cats... and yes I do talk to them a LITTLE too much. For the past year I have been single as well. Not that I haven't gone out occasionally, I just haven't found anyone that clicked. In either case I can say with a modicum of confidence, that I have gained a fair share of independence.

I go to church by myself.

That was hard at first I have to admit. Going to church is such a family affair, and to go by myself the first few times felt very lonely, but none of my friends attend church. So what was I to do?

I sleep in the middle of the bed now.

This was one of my biggest hurdles. It used to be a chore just to fall asleep without the sound of him sleeping by my side. "Him" shall remain nameless. Names do nothing to name the problem.

I go grocery shopping alone.

And I'm happy! I have... ahem... occasionally been known to dance in deserted aisles. Yes, I am usually having way tooooo much fun.

But I have to admit, independence can be tiring.

When I leave town I have to scramble to find a cat sitter. No one is ever home to sign for packages. When I'm sick and can't move from bed I end up not eating all day. If my car breaks down I have to call five people before I can find a ride to wherever I need to go to pick up whatever car someone has agreed to let me borrow. I have actually contemplated going to the movies alone.

On the upside, when I fall down the stairs no one is home to see it.

Of course no one is there to drive me to the ER either.

Anyway, back to my original point: independence.

Here's the thing about independence. It's a struggle to obtain. It took months for me to work up the nerve to go to church alone, months to sleep in the middle of the bed, and even longer to go to the grocery store without having run out of food the week before. I used to call up my mom and make her go grocery shopping with me, which I think may have annoyed her.

So here I am, happy as a lark, thinking that I have achieved a high level of independence. Wrong.

I have a friend, which none of my other friends like. Why don't they like him? Well because we used to see each other. We went dancing, we took drives to the beach, went to a car show, and yes I even met his friends and family. And he was perfect.

Ok. Maybe not perfect, because no one is perfect. What I really meant to say was, perfect for me... except. Except he was missing one thing. Heart. And maybe he was missing heart because he didn't have heart for me. I don't know. I just know that there's something about us that isn't quite right, and it seems to be a mutual feeling. Long story short, we now see each other as strictly friends.

Which absolutely no one understands. So now I find myself trying to validate this friendship ALL of the time, which results in me talking about him too much so now everyone has drawn the conclusion that the reason I'm not dating is because I'm holding on to hope that we will eventually work out. They forget I was single for eight months before I even met him. They forget that I have always been this picky, this anti-dating. They forget that I never date anyone who I feel doesn't have heart. They forget, and they draw conclusions from an outsiders point of view.

From the inside nothing's the same, trust me.

The grass is greener over here. Last year I made a promise to myself that I would no longer date people that I could not be friends with. If I couldn't be friends with them how in the world was I expecting to spend hours upon hours with them? This is why I talked to this man for such a long time, why I talk to him still. This is why I am friends with him. He is a testament to the fact that I am on the right track. We have never had an argument, and we always have a great time together. I wish I had done this years ago.

So why do I feel like I have to explain myself to everyone? This is my decision, and I know in my heart that I made the right choice.

Now it's time to tell everyone to back off.

All the women who are independent... throw your hands up at me

Dorothy Day

I am still sick. I spent the morning in bed reading Dorothy Day's The Long Loneliness trying not to fall asleep. The book is really good, I just need a nap because I am STILL sick! Hate germs. Where are my T-Cells when I need them?

Now I am at work, still needing a nap. However my immune system seems to be on a constant break and therefore I take waaaay too many sick days. And I still come in to work half dead in order to avoid taking more. And please don't mention vitamins to me. I already take them. EVERY DAY. Stupid bad tasting vitamins. Can someone please buy me some helpful t-cells for x-mas?

OK, before I fall asleep with eyes open, the only coherent thought coming out of my germ logged brain right now is, read the long loneliness.

We now interrupt this episode of A Boring Day in Terra's Life for....

(drum roll)

A coffee break.

Rollercoaster

This ride just keeps going downhill girls, and it's only picking up speed!

So I guess you could say that this weekend bit. Except that it really didn't! Friday started off great, well I was sick. But besides the nausea the stuffiness and the coughing I had a great time. I took my little sister to see The Incredibles. Which was a pretty good movie. We had dinner with our mom and then at the end of the night I dropped her off at our great grandmother's house.

The next day I was off to my cousins fiance house. She asked me to be a bridesmaid at the wedding, which made me ecstatically happy, and she was having a luncheon with all the girls. On the days itinerary? Well, lunch of course, bridal shopping, cheesecake, and then off to a church function which proved to be highly entertaining. I was the photographer of the day. My digital camera finally arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT! Will have to attach a pic of my cousins fiance, aka Diana.

Sunday was to be my moving day. Turned out to be, please tell Terra all the reasons that she is a complete loser day. Here is a brief list of all the phrases/words that were used to describe my character: Selfish, opinionated, bitter, intolerant of other people, rarely help others and if I do only at my own convenience, should not have children, incapable of having a relationship, immature, and last but not least, doomed to be alone due to lack of self love. When I pointed out that this speech had made me feel like a complete POS, the response I recieved was somewhere along the lines of, "I just call them like I see them".

Here's what I want to know. Where in the HELL do people get off? You want to know the truth, which I have to say that I am loathe to admit. This made me cry. How can someone do that? Make someone completely cry and not feel a tad bit of remorse? How can anyone tell someone that they are selfish and bitter without somewhat incriminating their own character?

For hours I thought of all the people that I had failed. The promises I had not kept, the appointments that I had forgot. I don't do community work, I forget to go to church, last Christmas I didn't have enough money to pull a card off of the Salvation Army tree in the mall. I always do that, I stand around the tree for hours and pick the cards with descriptions of a child that make me want to take them home and wrap them up in bed, but last year I just walked by.

Being a parent has always been a VERY big deal to me. It is a commitment that I have always felt that if I can not give my best, my absolute 100% best, then I can not in good conscience be a parent. He made me feel like driving right down to the clinic and tying my tubes. That's it, no babies for me. No cribs, no terrible two's, no first day of school, no first time they wrecked the car fight, they're a teenager and now they know everything, no college interviews, giving them away, grandchildren. No nothing, because I'm not good enough. Oh and by the way I'm going to die alone too.

Why am I going to die alone? Because no one is good enough for me, I am too critical and I over analyze everything. And the men I do pick screw me over completely. Not because I'm too nice and I need to learn boundaries, but because deep down I hate myself. So therefore I've never EVER been in love because to truly be in love I need to love myself first, and it is obvious that I don't love myself. In fact that very small list of people that I hate for weakness in character and moral flaws, I am exactly like them.

You know, it's one thing to have your own doubts about wether or not you will ever find "The One", ever hear a child call you "mommy", it's quite another to have someone tell you that you will never get married, never find true love and also, fyi, you need to get your head out of your ass before you even contemplate having children.

By the way, all of this comes from my older cousin. He told me this after staying at my house for three days while arguing with his girlfriend. While he stayed at my house he broke my direct TV, a light fixture, and only ate what was in my refrigerator or what I bought him from a restaurant. He didn't fix anything he broke, he brought his dog over without asking, he borrowed my car and my cell phone, smoked all my cigarettes and then proceeded to tell me that I am selfish.

It took me 24 hours to remember that I am not a bad person. Oh I have faults, we all do, but that's the beauty of individuality. My flaws are consistent, and they are also me. Love me or leave me, but please, please, don't stay and tell me why you hate me.

I am 25 and I am just learning about self love. It means not smiling while being berated, it means that I can say no and not feel bad, it means that happiness is not a sin. Yes, I am the priority in my life, and I refuse to feel bad about it. I have never ever been my own priority before and I'll be damned if you try to take that away from me. Where in the HELL do people get off?

I AM NOT A BAD PERSON! I have never ever listed all of a persons supposed flaws to them while they sat there and cried. In a million years I couldn't do that to even my worst enemy. Why? Because everyone is different, who am I to judge? You are who you are. The end.

Well, not the end obviously because I am still talking.

My direct TV is broken, and I really wanted to watch Charmed on Sunday. Plus a new Scrubs episode is playing on Tuesday, and OH MY GOSH, Arrested Development! Argh. Plus the light fixture at the apartment I'm moving out of is broken now. Great. Since I fed him and me for the last three days don't think that I can afford to fix it. Stupid jerk cousins.

By the way, I would like to try to be all political and well informed, but my tv's not working... and I used my newspaper to pack. That's my excuse at any rate. Please tune in later for more well formed avoidances.

Tonight

Tonight we go to Carrows. My cousin, Tracie, my roommate and I. We laugh too loudly in a quiet restaurant and the hostess seats all patrons in the opposite section of the building. We laugh at that too.

I was supposed to pack for my move today... but I didn't. Instead I waited around for the delivery of my new digital camera which never came. FedEx blamed it on the weather, but only because I was home all day and so they couldn't blame it on my absence. At the restaurant I think of all the cool things I could've done with it today. Instead I cleaned the house. What a colossal waste of time.

On the way out I spot my other cousin, eating a late night dinner with his fiance. I sit next to him and he looks at me as if I am an unwanted guest. I laugh because he was seated on the other side of the restaurant. The hostesses failed attempt at keeping him away from us. The loud patrons. The loud family.

When I have refused to move from the booth I tell him of a response to an ad I posted that seemed to come from a Kuwait soldier. He says to respond. He would love to turn me in as a traitor. I think Kuwait is an ally, but I don't argue the point. Instead I tell him that he is not patriotic... he voted for Bush. He says, "Damn straight!" I ask why he hates America so much? We laugh. Well, I laugh and that's all that really matters to me.

In the parking lot we write, vote Kerry, on his mini.

My Debut

When I was in High School I was an editor for the school newspaper. Back then I was known as the bitch who would actually mark up your article with red ink, correcting anything from misspelled words to poor sentence structure. Call me whatever you like, but my section of the paper was always spotless and, in my own opinion at least, highly entertaining.

My senior year I wrote a farewell piece. It was about going out into the big wide world and having no idea whatsoever what I would find. Would I find success, joy, happiness? Was it really like what they portrayed on 'Friends'. Seven years later I would be hard pressed to tell you that I have answered any of those questions.

I stood at the edge of space and yelled my message because I was afraid the universe was too vast, too dense and my own existence too small to be anything but inconsequential. That was what my farewell piece was about. Yelling into the void before being sucked up by the unknown. It was the last time I figured anyone might actually hear what I had to say.

So here I am again, yelling into the void. I find it ironic that I am beginning on an ending note... perhaps my story was just continued?

I turned 25 this year and I am far from the 17 year old girl who graduated with ideas of grandeur and rent easily paid. But I'll tell you something interesting. I have never been one to take the easiest route and so my life has been marked by pitfalls, scenic routes and untimely detours. I travel with a first aid kit, a roadside kit, a map book, an inflatable raft and yet somehow I am always underprepared. But still, STILL I am always searching for something new.

This is my something new, my something brilliant, my debut... continued.